I think perhaps that is my lesson (well one of them anyway). Remember to just BE. It’s so impossible. I swear, if the Universe had provided me with any gift OTHER than A) a brain injury that literally HURTS to concentrate or think (or read for that mater) and B) a spinal fluid leak that literally makes me violently nauseous, dizzy and an exploding headache then I don’t think I could ever sit still. get this… if I sit up or stand vertically I get violently ill. That’s all. Sit up and get struck down sick. Seriously, how crazy is that? Can’t think. Can’t sit up. Can’t go for a walk. Can’t read. It’s kind of like some unbelievable Hallmark Movie of the week.
But I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m merely pointing out that the Universe has literally provided a situation that makes me sit and FEEL. Contemplate life. Want to know what’s really funny? My blood pressure is dangerously low, so when I try to at least meditate I can even sicker! It’s actually hilarious. So much for trying to control anything. My current role is just sit. And feel. Actually, don’t sit. LAY and feel. For 5 months.
Can you imagine your life if you could not sit up or stand for 5 months. Before my last surgery I had times that I could sit up for an hour, maybe even two before I got sick. It seemed limiting at the time to not be able to leave the house for more than an hour total. But now, I’m lucky to get 3 minutes. My husband has to basically be a single parent. He handles cooking, cleaning, groceries, picking up and dropping off kids and managing all of my medical appointments. Not to mention living with my emotional rollercoaster and pain cycles!
But, I did have a moment in the hospital of clarity. I realized at some point how long I’d been in the ICU and it was at 13 days. I thought “but my family CAN’T live without me for 13 days. It’s just NOT possible.” and then I realized “they are. they have been. everyone is still alive”. There was incredible and profound understanding for me. But life goes on. It always does. The things we think are impossible. The things we spend so much mental energy FEARING, in the long run, if it does happen then it happens. You still get up every day. You still breathe. You still work. You still pay bills. Life goes on. We adapt. So really, there’s no sense spending a single moment on fear. It’s a waste of the good stuff.
I write affirmations in my little journal every day. I visualize the life I want. I send love to the people I love and that pray for me. I feel my head with gratitude, love and joy. I listen to music that makes me happy (LOVE Sara Bareilles at the moment, she’s SO happy and Pandora really is quite amazing at picking out good stuff)
I have the itch to travel (not surprising I suppose). I have this fantasy of an old converted school bus with a bed I can lay in. Funky turquoise curtains. Card table for food and games. (Um, yes, Pinterest is one of my current obsessions). And heading out on the open road. Texas to California on a massive adventure… —yes, I know the reality of days in the car with two young kids for days on end… but I’ve got nothing but time to dream so in my dream we’re quite Brady Bunch-ish…. actually we’re more… do you remember Dharma and Gregg? We’re more like Dharma’s parents-ish. ha!
Create your Sunshine Life by finding the Joy in just Being. Slow down. Turn off your phone. Computer. TV. Listen to your kids. Hug your family. Sit outside in the fresh air. Start simple. And for gods sake, pour a nice glass of wine.