This morning my eyes opened early for Sunday morning. 6:30. Ugh. And I realized that it was because my head was exploding. Ugh 2. So I rolled over and picked up my smartphone to scan Facebook for early entertainment and saw a friend walking down an early morning city street, with lovely morning sun, holding a Starbucks. I.Want.One. – can’t drive – Ugh 3.
This morning was cascading downward fast. It has been about 7 1/2 weeks since the accident. The last 6 weeks on complete bedrest. SIX WEEKS OF BED REST people. Not just bedrest for the body, I have a brain injury and damaged vision so I can’t even crack out on my computer or read books all day. I’ve had 5 procedures with a stupid large needle in my spine, countless MRI’s and CT scans, and multiple ER and hospital interactions ( too depressing to count).
It’s easy to start feeling out of control. And I really, really, really LIKE to be in control.
And I really, really, really like to be happy. And positive. And play in the sunshine. And go for runs. And cook. And prepare for the holidays.
But like it or not, I believe in manifesting our reality. I believe we create the life we live and we are in constant and complete control of our emotions. I believe that everything that happens is for a reason and in response to the things we have asked the universe to provide. Doesn’t mean I know why or how or what the hell I asked for to end up here. But I still believe.
So I rolled over and closed Facebook. I opened my 21 Day Deepak Meditation, plugged in my headphones and tried like hell to find calmness, peace, and confidence (the day 3 lesson – yes, I’ve fallen behind). It was not an easy 20 minutes. My mind kept flittering to the gallery in Montana, Christmas gifts, Traveling to St. Lucia, bills to be paid, grocery shopping lists for the day, and whether or not to have another surgery… are the steroids making me feel like crap or… wait what was that Mantra “sha shat something…” dammit. Breathe.
After my meditation I felt a TEENY tiny bit better, but really, I still felt lost. Disappointed in myself I didn’t meditate better and remembering all the things I CAN’T do today. (back to the dream of Starbucks). So I pulled out my gratitude journal and started writing. And writing and writing. Grateful for this day. Grateful for the sunshine. Grateful I have more than I need. Grateful for the amazing team of people I work with and the love they send me. Grateful my husband has been doing laundry, and cooking and cleaning for 6 weeks without going on strike. Grateful we have more than we need. and I kept going for two pages. Then started manifesting the things I desire with great clarity. I’m grateful I live near the ocean (I don’t, I live in Austin, but I want to. I would feel grateful to put my feet in the ocean, so I feel advance gratitude that someday I will again) grateful my body is strong and healthy, etc. etc. There. Feeling a bit better now.
By this point I had two naked children in bed with me climbing and tickling and giggling. Who can be grumpy with that?
Then the sweet little souls went and found themselves watercolors paints and paintbrushes and paper (NOT a small task for a 4 year old and 6 year old to do without help, complaining, or meltdowns). They created a beautiful little art space underneath the bedroom windows and started creating masterpieces for me.
I uttered aloud to the heavens that I SO badly wanted a Starbucks coffee and Torchy’s Breakfast Taco with a sigh. Shortly thereafter my sweet husband came upstairs with homebrewed Starbucks coffee and told me the breakfast tacos were on the way.
I still needed a little push to reach the top of the mountain, so I opened the Audio Book function of my Kindle and started playing my favorite Wayne Dyer Audio Collection. He spoke of “Burning Desire”. That it’s not about finances or material objects. It’s about principles and how to have a deeper and richer experience of life. Belief in an “ocean of abundance”. Lovely, isn’t it?
While laying in bed watching the art project drinking my coffee I spotted my Thanksgiving Issue of Martha Stewart Living with a gorgeous turkey on the front and wistfully wished to cook something lovely. So I got on Pinterest and started dreaming and spotting lovely recipes I’d love to eat and love to cook and dreaming of the dinner parties I’ll plan someday… (proud of my Pinterest food board, feel free to click the image to go directly there now)
And suddenly, miraculously, I’m filled with joy. Overwhelming gratitude. The sun is shining. My family is happy. We’re eating and drinking a lovely breakfast. And I’m dreaming with Pinterest. Still laying in bed. But found the joy.
Magic. Grateful. Had to capture the moment with a blog.
Happy Sunday to you.
Create your Sunshine Life, and don’t quit trying. It’s worth it when you get there.