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Cracking wide open

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Parting words from one of my wisest friends as I left for Bali, “open your heart, lead with it, be in your heart, this is what you need”.

I’ve been “in my head” so long, I could hardly contemplate what it means to open my heart. I’m kind, isn’t that enough? I mean, I try to be kind. Occasionally, I’m not. But it’s my intention… I’m a thinker, I think things through… seven different ways. I analyze every possible option and second guess every decision…. at least 4 times.

Except this, Bali was a move from the heart. It makes no sense in any way except the heart.

When I got here, I see what she meant. You can’t NOT open your heart in Bali. Mine just cracks wide open at least once a day. I’ll just be walking along, and smell the incense and see the most beautiful flower dropped on the sidewalk and something happens to my heart. It’s like a little quail egg in there with the most fragile shell, and the smallest move sometimes will shatter that shell and spill my heart out in the open. It usually ends up flowing out my eyes after it’s made my chest all warm and heavy. And there I am, a white tourist woman, walking down the hairpin corner in the grass with vines hanging down and touching my head, single file with my family, sobbing.

At least now that we’ve been here two weeks, the kids are used to it. They just hug me and keep walking. It was quite startling to them the first few times it happened.

the world is so beautiful

You know, I used to be an “open heart” person. I spent my youth with a heart like one of those liquid filled pieces of chewing gum. You know the little squares of sweet, firm, gum that when put in your mouth explode with an oversweet syrup? Yea, like that. Only not so firm on the outside. I spent my youth crying tears of heartbreak, that no one liked me, that I stubbed my toe, that there wasn’t enough kindness in the world. I cried a LOT. And it wasn’t just crying, it was heartbreak every time.

So I guess, over the years, this shell grew and grew over that little bit of liquid goo in there.  And I forgot what it felt like to let it spill out into the world.  That although it hurts sometimes, there is goodness in it. There is truth in just being who you are and feeling how you feel without worry that others will judge you for it.

Here I am, vulnerable, open heart. Crying tears of joy every day. The little shell gets thinner and thinner as it cracks open each day. But it hurts less. The joy feels like white light from heaven, invading every pore of my body. And it is enough. I am enough. It is good.

This is what I want to teach my children, not to be tough and create a shell that covers all of your preciousness so it doesn’t get hurt. I want to be brave, and show them how to let it spill out. The joy is so intense, and yes, when heartbreak comes it will be intense too. But better to live a life of intensity and joy, then a safe, overthought life without it.

Create your sunshine life, by letting the goodness spill out. Figure out how to open your heart. It could change absolutely everything…

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5 items to add to your Facebook Feed

I use Facebook much differently than many people. The cool thing about FB is that it is smart and figures out what you look at, and brings more of that.  I used to pay attention to the drama of people I knew decades ago, or the endless pictures of kids (which I still do) but now I use it more as an educational and inspirational tool for myself when I need a quick recharge.

Here are 5 of my favorite Facebook feeds – if you’re here, there’s a good chance you may also enjoy:

1.  Healing ADHD & Aspbergers without Hurting – This woman is incredible. It’s a great feed to follow for ongoing recipes, tips, nutritional supplements and new studies. Hugely informative. If you look to the right there is a link to go straight to Amazon and purchase her amazing book.

2. Tut – Mike Dooley – Total uplifting, happy, lovely reminders of how wonderful it all is. Every messy moment.

3. Wake Up World – Great “news” feed for alternative news. Nutritional information, health suggestions, and new inventions to save the world. Wonderful perspective.

4. TED – Ted talks. Go there. Follow these beacons of hope. Take time to watch the talks, they range from 5 – 20 minutes and are always worth the time.  Great place to reset, find perspective, be curious and fascinated with the world around you.

5. National Vaccine Information Center– I know it’s controversial. But it’s life. This site isn’t against vaccines so much as it’s pro-education. As with anything regarding my family’s health I always check multiple sources before believing anything. But it’s a great place to stay informed of the newest information.

And one to grow on. My favorite. Liz Gilbert. I love her because, well… she’s REAL. She’s a real person. She’s candid about life, hope, flaws and love. You may know her as the author of EAT, pray, Love. She’s also been touring with Oprah on the Life You Want Tour. She’s a cool cat and does her own posting on FB so it’s worthwhile. (oooh and her new book, the Signature of All Things is amazing!)

Enjoy. Spice up your time a the computer with a few things that make you grow. In knowledge, in love, in peace, in hope. And for heavens sake, hide those drama queens that make your stomach flop. (it’s really easy and they will never know you did it – just click the little arrow in the upper right corner of a post and it will drop down and ask if you would like to hide all posts from this person ).

Create your sunshine life, everywhere you look. Leave little traces of magic for yourself to find when you least expect it (Mike Dooley feed).

Muah.

Change Everything

The art of creating fear

We haven’t had cable TV in about a year. It just was an excessive expense with the accident, and the chaos so we cut cable and occasionally rent a redbox or find a movie or documentary at the library. Which means, we don’t watch the news. Yes, that’s right folks. WE DO NOT WATCH THE NEWS. Proudly.

Now of course, if you know me at all, you know I’m an obsessive researcher. I research everything from vaccine statistics to healthy eating, leaky gut, nutrition profiles and genetic abnormalities (not to mention I could hold my own in a conversation with top neurologists about CSF leaks!). I research water shortages in California and kickstarter campaigns with salt water filtration systems and crazy impressive solar power. So it’s not that we’re out of touch with the world. We’re out of touch with the fear mongering.

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Recently, my husband had this brilliant idea to get an antenna ($8 Amazon.com) so we could pick up local programming, the occasional guilty pleasure. Greys Anatomy or some fun cooking show.  We were totally and completely unprepared for the wild advertising, consumerism and fear mongering. HOLY COW. You don’t really notice when you watch it every day, but after a break and some perspective it’s appalling!

A new drug to help with occasional depression but side effects include kidney failure and death… but look how happy we are now! New gadgets and gizmos that no one on this planet actually needs but it’s being shoved down our throat as they next thing to make life easier and it’s only $19.99. All I can see is how many will soon be in landfills once people realize it’s just one more gadget for their kitchen to find space for and use once a year.

The other day I turned on the tv to watch a documentary with the kids and in the two minutes it took me to switch over from tv to dvd, some daytime talkshow (like The View-although I’m not sure that’s what it was) was showing clips from YouTube about some baby laughing when its dad coughed. THIS IS DAYTIME TV? With all that is happening in the world, with a new 17 year old winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, with all of the amazing inventions to save the planet, with all of the beautiful wonderful things in our world – you are using TV time to show me silly clips of someone’s baby from the internet???  Even my 5 year old son looks up at the TV (as they replay the clip for the third time) “ya, ya, we got it. This is ridiculous mom”. My thoughts exactly. What a lazy, greedy, excuse to sell commercials and take up TV time.

As someone who spent a good portion of her career in corporate marketing and advertising, I have a fairly good handle on the how’s and why’s for television commercials and the subtle techniques used for a “win”.

Don’t even get me started about Ebola. Does no one else think it strange that there are no positive public service messages to strengthen your immune system? Wash your hands? Get enough sleep. Consider a daily probiotic (proven to increase strength of the immune system). Ebola doesn’t kill everyone it comes in contact with. Survivors typically had a strong immune system.  No. It’s about creating fear. How scary it all is. How many people have died. How fast it is spreading. How the CDC has everything under control. No wait – maybe they don’t. It’s no big deal – but it is deadly. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that the public is being drug through. And that is as scary as anything else.  What about some confidence, strength, education, leadership?

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Down with the fear mongering.  Don’t drink the kool-aid. Fear makes people stop thinking. It makes people stop trusting their own intuition. It gets people to hand over their power to someone else as it’s just too overwhelming to decide ourselves.

Lets lift each other up. Find strength, education, confidence. Talk to those whose opinion you value, and have an educated conversation, debate is ok – you don’t have to agree – the goal is to learn. And keep learning.  Trust yourself.

Raise your vibration. How about believing in miracles? Faith doesn’t cost a thing.

Create your sunshine life. Ditch the fear. Be your radiant self instead. Learn something new that is beautiful about our world. And for heavens sake, turn off that fear machine.

xoxo ~ Clover Sunshine

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Be the light, find the magic

Sooooooo, I’m nearly at the 11 month mark since the car accident. 11 months. I’ve spent the 36th year of my life on bedrest, and in hospitals, and in indescribable pain. Wow, what a journey.

I’ve learned some valuable lessons, OK that’s the understatement of the century. Each day is hard. It’s hard to wake up with a planet splitting headache and nausea, and god help me, please not the spins.  But it’s a daily reminder to Dig Deep. Deeper. Find the strength. It’s there.

The thing about chronic illness (a word I despise) or pain or whatever terminology you choose… is that there is NO SPACE for self pity. None. Every morning there is a choice, it’s called “deal with it” or “cry” and so help me, when the crying starts….it’s hard to stop.

And there are some things that I think you can only learn when you’re digging deep. Because you (from a favorite Jerry Maguire quote) “Are Incapable of Dealing with Bullshit”.

Some of my most treasured lessons from my 36th year:

1. Whatever you think you absolutely “HAVE TO DO” you “cannot miss” they “cannot do it without you” – you’re wrong. You don’t. You can. They can. Truth. (Ahem mother’s out there, slow down and read it again).   The world WILL keep spinning without you. Life will go on. There is absolutely NOTHING that cannot wait.  Imagine if you will all those things that are deal breakers, that you must do for the world to keep spinning – then getting in a car accident and being stuck in bed for oh… nearly a year. Guess what? Everyone lived through it.

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2. Slow Down. Like a snails pace, then slow down some more. I’m built with one speed, Fast. Multi-tasker extraordinaire. Over achiever. Always racing to the finish line. Drive fast. Cook fast. Clean fast. Shop Fast. It might be genetic.. because I’m SLOW compared to my mom!  I’ve been rushing through everything and never knew it.  Nothing slows you down like bedrest. It’s like a freakin anchor. So now I walk slowly with my 5 year old and we look at leaves and cracks in the sidewalk and bugs, without the nagging sense of hurry.  When I shop, I move slowly and enjoy the experience. When my kids talk – I stop multi tasking and I Listen. I really listen to who they are and what they think. I don’t know that I ever really did that before. Not really, with the slowness it deserves.

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3. Don’t judge. Anyone. Ever. For anything. It’s not your place. You have NO idea what they are going through. I have a whole post I can dedicate to this. But for now, trust me. When you leave your house, or get a phone call, or see something and you think “wow” and that little voice starts to judge. Just slap it. Send love to the person, double time, and a little to yourself as well.

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4. Make time to meditate, pray, and journal.  If you don’t have time, like really seriously don’t have time, then you need it most. Make it a priority as if it’s your life on the line (because it is).  I believed in the power of prayer and the goodness of meditation and even thought it was a good idea to journal. But I never actually consistently DID IT. I never made time, I just thought about it and thought that was enough. IT’S NOT.  Make 15 minutes a day for morning prayer, meditation, reflection and at least 10 minutes at bedtime. Conscious time, not lying in bed as you fall asleep. It will change your life. I promise. Feeling short of patience? Irritable? Pain? Anxiety? Isn’t it worth 20 minutes a day to try, rather than calling your doc for a prescription? Or worse, just living with it?

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5. Be the Light. Find the Magic.  Whatever you are going through, there is always someone going through more, dealing with “worse”. When you are teetering on self pity, just remember to be the light instead. Your light may shine for someone else who needs it, and that itself may give you the power to be strong.  By being the light, you also start to find the magic. And it will pop up in unexpected places if you are moving slow enough to see it.  The world is filled with love and hope and magic, but most of us are too busy rushing off to Target or judging what someone else is doing to notice.  Stop reading the tragedies and gore on the news. Take a 21 day sabbatical. Fill your world with positive affirmations, love, peace and hope. Fill your Facebook feed with people who inspire you, HIDE those with the drama.  And start looking, magic will pop up in the greatest places.

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Create your Sunshine Life, without a year of bedrest. Slow Down. Be the Light. It’s the biggest reward you may ever give yourself.  xoxo

 

~clover

Outrageously Open

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I just finished the most delicious new book.  Outrageous Openness, by Tosha Silver. You must stop everything and pick it up.  Audible or Reader version, either will work for this book, so download it, stop at a bookstore, whatever you must do.

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I attended the recent Hay House event “I Can Do It, Austin” and after many of the speakers referenced the book and the author,  I just had to put it to the top of my reading list.

Every page is like warm water running over me, soothing my soul.  It’s an interesting blend of LOA, Religion, Angels, Faith, and God.  Mostly, I embrace the Openness and wild, unending, blind faith.   I love the quote above and whisper it to myself daily when my heart starts racing, worrying, stressing, or trying to figure out the answer to every question that could be asked. I have over-thought everything for years. I’m a statistics girl, an analyzer of all potential outcomes, a weigher of pros and cons.  I vaguely remember a “me” that was wild and open and free. A girl that took roadtrips in the middle of the night, and moved to new cities without concern. I applied to jobs confidently that I had no experience for, and I met new people of all thoughts and beliefs and enjoyed debate without concern of what someone thought of my opinion.

At some point, I started worrying more about making the right decision, than enjoying making the wrong ones.  I stopped trusting the universe to provide Divine guidance and blessings and started trying to micro-manage my life. To force decisions. To out-think everything.

Maybe all I needed was to remember to let go. Let the Bohemian Gypsy girl inside of me romp and play and trust that there are miracles all around me at all times. That I am always protected. That everything will work out for the absolute best, and I don’t have to try to make it. I just need to breathe. And Love. And trust.

Create your Sunshine Life. Be outrageously open. Trust the Universe. Romp wildly. Laugh loudly. Dance in the streets, and know it will all be ok. There are miracles all around.

LittleBlackDress

Farewell Love Letter

It’s been awhile… Today I drive to Houston (in the hatchback so I can lay flat) so tomorrow I can fly to Durham, NC.  Friday will be my much anticipated visit with Dr. Grey at Duke Medical Center.

This is my affirmation for the trip. Traveling alone. Trusting in the helpfulness of strangers along the way.  Putting complete faith in the universe to get me there and get me healed. When I get scared, or feel alone, this is my mantra:

 

she is brave

 

It’s funny, when you can’t really stand up or move your body, exercise, or think clearly for 9 months – something shifts. A deep shift, way down in the marrow of your being. I’ve always prided myself on being fast moving and quick witted. I was the fastest, most efficient, waitress, college student, marketing exec, and mother. In fast, I was so quick and so efficient getting to the next step that I never in my life slowed down to really BE where I am right now.

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Well I got hit by the freight train of all Universal Freight Trains. How about a condition to slow you down, mentally and physically? These are just some of the important lessons in gratitude I’ve learned.  In preparation for healing, I have been putting together a list of the things that a CSF leak has made me grateful for that I never knew I was.  This is my gratitude and farewell love note to my spinal fluid leak….

1. I love the feeling of warm water on my hands as I wash them. It’s really a lovely experience. Slowing down to appreciate the sensory experiences of my day. Particularly those that are most subtle.  The soft slipperiness of soap on my hands, the gentle aroma of soap.

2. I cherish the feeling of a clean body after I get out of the shower. When every vertical moment counts, the option of taking a shower is weighed equally against sitting up while eating, hugging my kids, going to the bathroom (kind of an important one) and the amount of pain I’m willing to experience. That said. I don’t shower a lot. It just doesn’t rank high in the cost/benefit ratio. But when I do – OH – clean hair. Clean skin. The feeling of gentle detox after my skin has a good salt scrub. Heaven.

3. Having the physical ability to snuggle, read, and tuck my kids in. I won’t lie. Before this, the end of the day was rushed. Hurried. As everything else in life. My overall emotion (though not expressed) was “hurry up and go to sleep already I have a long list of things to do yet”. Now, I weigh if I’m physically capable of walking down the hall to their room, sitting slightly propped up reading and snuggling. And the days that I get there – are truly beautiful, precious, and cherished by all of us.

4. Clarity of mind. I can’t remember when I last slowed down, meditated, quieted my mind, and reveled in the silence. Moving slowly. Removing the clutter of thought. Taking time to just be still and quiet. Feel the gentle breeze on my face, listen to the birds, and reward myself a few precious minutes away from the eternal “to do list”.

5. Listening. It’s amazing how much more you hear, see, and feel from others when you slow down and listen. Subtle shifts in energy, love, the needs of those around us. It’s like a whole world, the energy between people. But you have to stop. Slow down. Take a breath. Take another. Close your eyes. And listen. (much easier when there isn’t a lot of activity up there!)

6. Caring more about taking care of myself and less about what people think. Challenge. How much does what other people think affect your day? Be honest. Now, could you pull out a yoga mat and lay for 20 minutes at the park? on a crowded sidewalk? What about an airport? Could you strike up a conversation with a stranger and two sentences in say “excuse me, I need to lay down while we finish this conversation?” and lay down. Right there. Wherever you are. Without a yoga mat. Because you simply must. It’s confronting – but extremely freeing as well. Getting over what people think so you can get on with what you need to do in your life, is an incredible super power. Try it. Especially someplace random and public where you’ll never see the people again. I dare you.

Create your Sunshine Life.  I’m grateful for the rich experiences that have given me new perspective.  I encourage you to try slowing down for 1 whole day. Wash your hands mindfully, read a book, lay on your back in a public place and look at the clouds. This is the good stuff. And it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that we think is important.  Besides, it’s MUCH easier to just learn the lessons yourself than receive the Master Lesson from the Universe in a rather unpleasant way. I’m all for one-upping the Creator!

It’s going to be a long trip, but what else do we have to do?

be brave

~Clover Sunshine

Find your tribe!

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Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I can’t WAIT to write this morning and share good news with you all!!!  Miracles folks, they do happen every day. Hold the hope. Keep the vision!

Did I tell you I finally got an appointment with Duke University? Well, I’m pretty excited about it. But that’s not even the best part. When I scheduled my appointment they suggested I look into a FB group for CSF leakers.  Now, I’m not so into groups and committees. I was resistant, because I’m really not into being part of a group that sits around and just talks about how bad everything is, and my state of mind is delicate. I need hope, good news.  BUT I have so many unanswered questions about my condition and I have felt so ALONE in it all. Wondering, is this normal? Am I crazy? Does everyone have these symptoms? It’s one thing to have these feelings for a week or two, it’s another to have them for months.

Be still my heart. This group of lovely people is SO my Tribe. Who knew? Beautiful, beautiful people, helping each other navigate the crazy, misunderstood, wild ride that has to do with spinal fluid pressure. It’s hilarious. And lovely. Tips and tricks and nutrition advice and pain management, and … understanding. Speaking with someone that understands completely what you are going through. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. And Joy. And Hope.  This is the most supportive, loving, positive, and hopeful group.

It’s amazing how much it eases my soul, my anxiety levels, to hear other people experience what I do. That I’m not alone. I didn’t realize how much I needed them until I found them.  And just like that, I feel Unstoppable.  I have new determination. New friends. New goals.

Maybe it’s healing to know, that if we cannot control our health, our bodies, our minds, we can at least help others. We can lend a hand, a kind word and work together, and THAT gives us a sense of purpose.

My life has been rearranged and scrambled, somewhat like a rubix cube. I have been struggling for months to put it back together, perhaps I should just enjoy the new configuration and learn what it has to offer. Maybe the point isn’t to go back to once was, but to create something completely new. Scary. Like jumping out of a plane. (which I did only once). Look at that young face, trying to be brave.

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It was a tiny, rickety, old and scary plane flown by a couple of young adrenaline junkies. I had to crawl out onto the wing mid air and let go.   Did you hear me? I had to crawl out of the door of a plane (while high in the air) and move my hands and feet along the wing until I got out to the end, and then let go. Imagine that a moment.

Letting go was the hard part. I remember sitting there for what seemed like hours, telling my brain, to tell my arm, to tell my hand, to tell my fingers, to just let go. But they would not.  If my younger brother (himself an adrenaline junky) hadn’t been in the plane with me I would have certainly backed out, but pride wouldn’t allow it, so at last I jumped. And look at that face. Elation.

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This feels kinda like that. Telling my brain, to tell my heart, to trust and let go. Who knows where I’ll land?

Create your Sunshine Life, wherever you are with whatever life gives you. If you are alone, find your Tribe. There is magic out there, I promise. You just have to find it.

xoxo

Clover Sunshine

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Love v. Fear – for the win

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the power of love over fear.   As someone that has spent a good deal of my adult life working in Marketing and Advertising, it always stops me dead in my tracks when I see an interesting new marketing strategy. I stop, contemplate, assess, and my statistical mind goes crazy analyzing possible results, trends and outcomes.  I get excited and love to see a new branding strategy, technique, or someone thinking “outside the box”.

It probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to you that I’m frequently disappointed in the “end game” of advertisers.  So many brilliant minds at work with so much opportunity to impact the world, and unfortunately, the trend is to build fear and tell us we are less.   But, I feel like this is only the trend in the marketplace. I believe in the good of the human spirit. I believe that we all mean well. We just get a little lost, mixed up, confused.

Lately, I can’t help ponder this question:

What would the moral structure of our country look like if our brilliant advertisers, marketers, and product promoters promoted love first? What if they sold us products by reminding us to love ourselves for our exquisite perfection – rather than despise ourselves for our human qualities.  What if we started promoting public service announcements displaying kindness, love, laughter, joy?

Dalai Lama Quote

How would it change the mindset of the people? How would it change the dreams of our children?

What would become possible with a simple shift in the constant programming we receive? Yes, we can find positivity – but you have to make an effort. Which means that the people that choose to find love, peace, joy, usually do.  If you look, you can find beautiful ideas, images, thoughts, for free on the internet and in the world around you.

But what if it never occurred to you to look? What if all you can do is breathe? Most households still spend many hours each week watching TV, what are the themes they are being exposed to? Last time I checked it was pretty challenging to find something uplifting to watch on network TV. Most shows are either SVU quality (i.e. glamorized rape and murder) or Reality based (i.e. let’s all make fun of someone and laugh at another’s weakness, insecurities, imperfections).

What does that do to the way we speak to ourselves? To the world we expect to see each day?

How quickly could we actually change the world if we changed our programming?  Would you guess that Thailand is light years ahead of the U.S. here? Check out this commercial. I love it so much. I love it so very, very much. But mostly, I love the person that came up with the idea. I love the creative team that dared to dream. I love the person that spoke up and did something different.  This concept probably started with someone being brave enough to risk rejection in exchange for something beautiful.

What do you think?

Today, commit to beauty. Commit to praise yourself. Allow yourself to love every person you meet especially those that are most unkind. But most of all, notice the little voice in your head when it tells you that you aren’t enough.  And remind it that you are.  You are a good person.  You are perfection. You are love. You can change the world.

Create your sunshine life with Love. Tell Fear to piss off. We got this. And we have each others back. And life is so truly beautiful.

Clover Sunshine

Mothertheresa

You are filled with magic, blessed one…

Blessed One

I love this. It feels me with warm, fuzzy, love.

I read it when I’m feeling down. It’s lovely and perfect.  It encompasses everything that I need to hear in one pink little box.

I believe in magic. I believe in the Law of Attraction. I believe we create the world that we live in.  I don’t know why I am where I am, but I believe in divine intervention.  I believe in making the world a more beautiful place.  I believe that there are rainbows and unicorns and lives filled with laughter and white sandy beaches and lovely fancy cocktails and big Martha Stewart Thanksgivings.

Maybe I just need this time off from all the thinking, and the doing, and the multi-tasking, to just BE. And just get clear with goals and intentions. And hand it to the Universe for creation. Maybe I need to learn to just LET GO a little (which is unbelievably hard) and let it come.

So I write in my journal each day. I stay clear about my goals, and the life that I choose. I stay grateful for my many blessings.   I cherish the small moments of joy and peace and love. I cherish my friends, my team, my family.

And that’s about all I have space for at the moment. And that’s ok. I’m letting that be ok for now.

Create your Sunshine Life… by letting go, and letting it just be.

Clover Sunshine

Sunday Morning Love

Change Everything

This morning my eyes opened early for Sunday morning. 6:30. Ugh. And I realized that it was because my head was exploding. Ugh 2. So I rolled over and picked up my smartphone to scan Facebook for early entertainment and saw a friend walking down an early morning city street, with lovely morning sun, holding a Starbucks. I.Want.One. – can’t drive – Ugh 3.

This morning was cascading downward fast. It has been about 7 1/2 weeks since the accident. The last 6 weeks on complete bedrest. SIX WEEKS OF BED REST people. Not just bedrest for the body, I have a brain injury and damaged vision so I can’t even crack out on my computer or read books all day. I’ve had 5 procedures with a stupid large needle in my spine, countless MRI’s and CT scans, and multiple ER and hospital interactions ( too depressing to count).

It’s easy to start feeling out of control. And I really, really, really LIKE to be in control.

And I really, really, really like to be happy.  And positive. And play in the sunshine. And go for runs. And cook. And prepare for the holidays.

But like it or not, I believe in manifesting our reality. I believe we create the life we live and we are in constant and complete control of our emotions.   I believe that everything that happens is for a reason and in response to the things we have asked the universe to provide.  Doesn’t mean I know why or how or what the hell I asked for to end up here. But I still believe.

So I rolled over and closed Facebook. I opened my 21 Day Deepak Meditation, plugged in my headphones and tried like hell to find calmness, peace, and confidence (the day 3 lesson – yes, I’ve fallen behind). It was not an easy 20 minutes. My mind kept flittering to the gallery in Montana, Christmas gifts, Traveling to St. Lucia, bills to be paid, grocery shopping lists for the day, and whether or not to have another surgery… are the steroids making me feel like crap or… wait what was that Mantra “sha shat something…” dammit. Breathe.

After my meditation I felt a TEENY tiny bit better, but really, I still felt lost. Disappointed in myself I didn’t meditate better and remembering all the things I CAN’T do today. (back to the dream of Starbucks). So I pulled out my gratitude journal and started writing. And writing and writing. Grateful for this day. Grateful for the sunshine. Grateful I have more than I need. Grateful for the amazing team of people I work with and the love they send me. Grateful my husband has been doing laundry, and cooking and cleaning for 6 weeks without going on strike. Grateful we have more than we need. and I kept going for two pages. Then started manifesting the things I desire with great clarity. I’m grateful I live near the ocean (I don’t, I live in Austin, but I want to. I would feel grateful to put my feet in the ocean, so I feel advance gratitude that someday I will again) grateful my body is strong and healthy, etc. etc. There. Feeling a bit better now.

By this point I had two naked children in bed with me climbing and tickling and giggling. Who can be grumpy with that?

Then the sweet little souls went and found themselves watercolors paints and paintbrushes and paper (NOT a small task for a 4 year old and 6 year old to do without help, complaining, or meltdowns).  They created a beautiful little art space underneath the bedroom windows and started creating masterpieces for me.

Sunday Morning

I uttered aloud to the heavens that I SO badly wanted a Starbucks coffee and Torchy’s Breakfast Taco with a sigh. Shortly thereafter my sweet husband came upstairs with homebrewed Starbucks coffee and told me the breakfast tacos were on the way.

I still needed a little push to reach the top of the mountain, so I opened the Audio Book function of my Kindle and started playing my favorite Wayne Dyer Audio Collection.  He spoke of “Burning Desire”. That it’s not about finances or material objects.  It’s about principles and how to have a deeper and richer experience of life. Belief in an “ocean of abundance”. Lovely, isn’t it?

While laying in bed watching the art project drinking my coffee I spotted my Thanksgiving Issue of Martha Stewart Living with a gorgeous turkey on the front and wistfully wished to cook something lovely. So I got on Pinterest and started dreaming and spotting lovely recipes I’d love to eat and love to cook and dreaming of the dinner parties I’ll plan someday… (proud of my Pinterest food board, feel free to click the image to go directly there now)

Pinterest Food Love

And suddenly, miraculously, I’m filled with joy. Overwhelming gratitude. The sun is shining. My family is happy. We’re eating and drinking a lovely breakfast. And I’m dreaming with Pinterest. Still laying in bed. But found the joy.

Magic. Grateful. Had to capture the moment with a blog.

Happy Sunday to you.

Create your Sunshine Life, and don’t quit trying.  It’s worth it when you get there.

Clover Sunshine

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