Oh So many things. Sooo many things to share. It’s been Forever.
Today, my daughter asked me for advice. Real honest, loving advice. Not eye-rolley, or snotty, but lovely – GRANTED it was how to win at Candy Crush, but hey, beggers can’t be choosers. I’ll still remember the day forever, except in a few months I will change it in my mind to something probably a bit more poetic, today I’m honest. It was Candy Crush.
My learning with Methylation and genetics moves forward. I feel a bit at times like I’m lost in the Matrix. Deep in data with numbers and studies all around me and I forget where I am. It’s a process, but a worthy one. I can’t wait to figure it out and share with all the mommas and daddies out there searching… It’s like a fast track back to college. Chemistry and ick. But it’s a new goal when it helps your kids. So I just stick with it.
In the meanwhile, as we’ve been so diligent reducing our diet, any small infraction causes huge upset. Last week I made a roast chicken for my husbands birthday and as a “special” treat I tucked an onion inside the bird as the kids had another meal planned. We haven’t been able to cook with onion or garlic in months due to my sons sensitivity, and it felt like a special occasion. However, when we boiled said chicken for broth we forgot to remove the cursed onion. My son drank the broth last night and was sick all day today. Poor little guy.
I’m going to start researching an aggressive digestive enzyme therapy to begin to start to build tolerance to these sensitivities. We’ve had it out of our diet for over 3 months and drinking bone broth and grass fed gelatin like it’s going out of style and the sensitivity only goes stronger. The problem foods are like the “one Ring to Rule Them All” (geeky Lord of the Rings reference) where the attraction and impact only grows stronger with time.
We are making it. Each day. I’m up more than I used to be. I’m trying to come to a calm and loving acceptance for my new way of life. It isn’t what it was before the accident, but it’s better than it has been. Perhaps I need to focus on patience for awhile. I’m working on getting IGG blood tests for both kids to assess food sensitivities and continue to work towards understanding the mutations we have and how I can heal them nutritionally.
I haven’t lost hope. Sometimes I even still dream of Bali. You know, if I could make the flight and all of the stars aligned.
Somedays It’s not any more exciting than one foot in front of the other. And that’s enough.
Create your Sunshine Life. One small Step at a Time. With patience.
I was thinking the other day about what I miss most about life outside of the home. I mean, I can go outside now, I have a futon on the back porch so I get fresh air and sunshine (which is HEAVENLY mind you). We have a yard full of trees, so I get the breeze and the leaves and the cherry blossoms. I love it.
And honestly, the few times I’ve gone out, I get sensory overload pretty fast so it’s not all that enjoyable. So what do I miss so much?
*** Got a minute for a laugh? Vulnerability time. ***
I had a memory from about 15 years ago. I was living in Southern California, with some guy I was dating, and not thrilled about it. I wanted my own space, my own peace, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and I was obsessed with the best and kindest way to exit Stage Left. I was also pretty broke at the time so in a moment of exquisite wisdom I decided that rather than making my auto insurance annual payment, I would instead “save” the money and put it towards a deposit on my new apartment. I’d have the money to get car insurance again in two weeks when I got my next paycheck.
You can kinda see it coming, can’t you? Oh, I loved that car.
Found an apartment. Squirreled away my pennies. The morning that I woke up ready to sign my new lease before work… and my car was nowhere in the parking lot. Stolen. For reals. You’ve never heard such a loud internal shouting session with oneself. Especially as my caring boyfriend offered that I could use his vehicle until we got it straightened out.
Great. Now I also feel like a jerk.
Two days later I get a call while I’m at work that he’s throwing all of my stuff out of the apartment into the lawn. Apparently I had been logged into my email on our “joint home computer” and he saw the new lease.
No money. No car. No house. No boyfriend.
I rented a U-Haul truck with the last money I had at 10am, drove to his house and got my stuff. There was a lot of shouting and neighbors staring while I packed my meager possessions to take to a storage unit. As I unpacked I was careful to set up the furniture more like a living room than a storage unit. My couch was in the middle of the room and would work for me to sleep on without too much trouble.
Then, after all that, I had to go back to work. I worked in a professional office, business suit dirtied and tattered by the dusty boxes.
My life had crumbled over the course of a few hours. I was alone in California. No family. Few friends yet. I’m sure I looked a wreck, sweaty from moving boxes and furniture in the sun, tear stained, exhausted. To my horror, the CEO called me into his office and asked me what the hell was going on?
Of course, me being me, I burst into tears, unable to contain the emotion of the day. I’ve never been good at controlling tears when I’m stressed. I sat there for a shamefully long time, crying and dripping snot, telling all of my failures to this man that I admired so much. I made bad financial decisions, bad love decisions, and now I had nothing and didn’t know what to do. (it’s all quite dramatic when you’re 21).
At the end of my long, sad, shameful story, I hesitantly looked up to make eye contact and receive my lashings. I was ready for his disdain, disapproval, maybe I would even be fired for my lack of judgement. But you know what? He laughed. He laughed long and hard, until his face was red and he was breathing hard. And you know what he told me?
He said, “Clover, at least you’re out on the court. No one can ever say that you sit the sidelines of life”.
I think that was quite possibly one of the kindest, most tender moments of my life. He gave me compassion for my mistakes and errors and encouraged me to embrace life rather than beat myself up anymore than I’ve already done. He bailed me out. Turns out we had a corporate apartment for out of town guests which I was welcome to stay at for the next month. They would also be willing to make the down payment on a new dependable car as a bonus. Angels were all around me that day.
Funny, when you can’t get up anymore, you can’t leave the house, you can’t make nearly as many mistakes. It’s harder to live on the court, when you can’t leave the house. That’s what I miss most. Laughter and dancing, people, commotion, mistakes, and fierce emotion. I’m ready for that.
Create it. Your Sunshine Life – Get your ass on the court. It’s ok to make mistakes. Just keep going.
So, it’s been a long couple of weeks. Doing a lot of soul searching. Destroying and recreating old thought patterns. Making room for new love, peace, grace and life. It’s been hard work. 😉
It’s no surprise that I’m somewhat of an addictive person – an overachiever – one who fails to rest much. I can easily go 1,000 miles in the wrong direction before I look up and realize I forgot to ask directions… humbling. I realized that for the last… (embarrassing long while) I am been so consumed with details of life… money, health, food, bills, housing, work… you know, the usuals – that I completely abandoned LOVING my life. Don’t get me wrong, I like me life a lot – but that Spark, that something, that dream… I got stuck in the nitty gritty of reality and efficiency that I forgot the beauty of peace. And quiet.
Well the Universe has a hell of a sense of humor. Nothing like 3 MONTHS of bedrest to remind you. I kind of needed it though. Because heaven knows the first two months I just fought it. LOL. Stubborn girl I am. But the last month, I’ve taken time off blogging, off mindfully cooking, off stressing, off social media (admitted FB junkie). I’ve taken time for meditation. For reading books with kids (without TV or smartphones, or music, or any other distractions). I’ve taken time to listen. Really listen to my family, and my heart.
I’ve met some AMAZING people along the way. Little angels to set me back on my path. I am one of those little wind up soldiers that just keeps going until a little obstacle straightens out my path. But I don’t mind. Before this I was the little wind up soldier that just stood there and kept bumping into the wall, trying to bust through brick.
I’m excited. I made a decision. A big one. Although it sounds trite, and cliché, it’s true. I’m going to follow my bliss, make my heart sing, and blindly trust the Universe that it will bring all of the treasures I desire. Which, coincidentally enough I’ve realized are things like laughter, monthly dinner parties with friends, board games, and regular trips to the ocean.
I love the book E2 (check blog posts for my video review of the book). The author directly and somewhat aggressively demands her needs from the Universe. i.e. – “Universe – I’m giving you 48 hours to provide me with X. I expect you to do it, therefore you must. There are no other options. I expect to see X 48 hours from now or you’re going to have to deal with me.” It’s funny. And tempting…
So … here goes. Jumping out of the plane. 1 – 2 – 3 GO.
Creating my Sunshine Life – by following the Bliss….
Do you really believe in magic?
I do. I teach my kids to as well. They believe we have the power to change stop lights, find parking spots, and create the occasional rainbow. Why not? Why wouldn’t you teach your children that they could be and do anything they dream? That they can create the world around them as they wish?
Maybe that’s what’s wrong with us. We listened to people tell us for YEARS what ‘s not possible, not realistic, not going to happen. And we bought it. We lost the belief in ourselves somewhere along the way.
I believe in the Law of Attraction. I belive in the power of Manifesting. And secretly, I think you do too. It’s ALL OVER pop culture. I watched Inception (with Leonardo Di Caprio) at the gym this morning. It’s a wild and fun action movie, where they have the power to manifest the world that they’re in. Green Lantern – same premise. Top selling books such as “Ask and it is Given” same theory. The Secret is an obvious choice.
The market is flooded with thought leaders from pop culture to self-help all reinforcing that we have the power to create our own universe. So, is it true? Do you believe?
What if it was true? What would you create? Are you living your dreams now? Or are you living a version that is based on what people told you was the life you must live?
I believe in magic. I believe in Stardust and Unicorns, but I believe in the power of a determined mind the most. How else can you explain how the most stubbornly determined people nearly always achieve their dreams? Whether it’s discovering electricity or painting the Sistine Chapel. Those simple tasks are miracles in themselves. Miracles that someone believed was possible.
So what is your unique gift to change the world? Do you believe in yourself to make it happen?
Create your Sunshine Life… Today