It’s been awhile… I’ve been digesting life. Slowly.
I wish I could tell my daughter things to make her life easier. I wish that I could sit down with her and catch her eye and she would hear me. Our relationship isn’t quite like that. She doesn’t enjoy eye contact and sitting still for more than 4 seconds is a very, very challenging task. So heart to hearts don’t come easy.
I wish I could tell her that it’s all about Love. Everything. Everywhere. We go through so many years of pain and drama over wishing people would love us, love us more, love us better. We change who we are, what we think, what we dream, so maybe people will love us more. We yell and scream and hurt others, because we’re AFRAID they don’t love us. We miss so much magic, and beauty, and wonder within ourselves while we’re trying to make sure someone sees us in our glory.
If I could just teach her she’s amazing, enough to fill her tank…. If she could find that confidence and love herself and her brilliant ideas and her frustrating quirks and worry less about the world …. it would be a sweeter life.
Yet, after 37 years of doing the same myself, it’s a hard habit to break. Schoolyard whispers still claw at the back of my thoughts, should I have said that? worn that? done that? I mean, I’m better than I used to be. After frantically asking myself several times I can usually actually remind myself that it doesn’t matter now. But the first voice is the one of doubt. How much practice it takes to change that. I wish, I could help her find that sweet voice while she’s young, and hear it first.
Because if you are truly comfortable with loving yourself to pieces, and you act from love towards others, what else is there?
Create your Sunshine Life – by Loving yourself to pieces first. xoxo
aH homeschooling. Wowzers. Talk about brining your “A” game every day. Being your best, your brightest, your most tuned in. Let’s face it, in the corporate world there are days you can skate (particularly higher up the ladder). If you’re not feeling well, or hungover, or fighting some personal demon you can close your door and work at 50% capacity for an hour, or a day…
But homeschooling? Oh, these wee ones don’t take any crap. There are ON from the moment they wake. And if I’m not filling them up with a project or an idea or a book, they get listless and bored…and the fighting… it’s amazing how two little people can find so much to fight about!!
I find myself wishing, how do I teach them to meditate? I mean, they aren’t the type to sit quietly and watch mommy and try it themselves. So what can I do?
Yoga. Boom. Rockstar moment.
But how will I get them to stand still and pay attention and enjoy it??
Bookmark this! The kids LOVED it. Two days in a row. This morning they requested morning yoga. It’s the perfect length to get some morning energy out of them and get them out of a fog. The lady is beautifully silly and brilliant. Afterwards we made waffles and they were clearer, more interested in projects, less wiggly.
If only this old body would let me participate!! How I’m dying to stretch with them.
Now, on to Super Heroes. With a 5 year old boy in the house, our life has a lot of superheroes in it. So we are all going as a superhero family for Halloween. Great fun and a wonderful way to introduce sewing (and bedazzling) to keep those little minds and fingers busy! Project for today: Logos to go on our marvelous capes! Yesterday we went to the craft store and picked out the gaudiest, sparkliest felt we could find!
I’ll do my best to remember to take pictures. It’s not a strong point.
While I was making waffles I was thinking about superheroes. That as adults we can get a bit addicted to superhero complex and start being complacent in our life, waiting, searching, looking for someone else to save us. A new Neurosurgeon with an answer. A test result in black and white to give us the answer to aches and pains. A lottery ticket in an old forgotten purse that is the winning jackpot. Someone, somewhere, save me. We all have our trials, our pain, our desperate moments. I have found myself lately praying for … someone… something … to just ease the pain. To just make it all better. I doubt I’m completely alone.
And it struck me, I’m wasting all this time praying and asking for the wrong thing. To the wrong person.
When I was young, I was so successful. I had no college degree. I was a young twenty-something, climbing the corporate ladder. and I never once prayed for “someone” to help me. I knew with every cell in my body that I could do it. That I could make magic. That I could change the world. Despite that EVERY single PERSON told me it was impossible without a degree. It wasn’t. I was Unstoppable. I can’t tell you exactly when I was too exhausted to believe in myself anymore with such fervor and passion.
So, from now on – deep breath – I pray to the Divine, God, ArchAngels, and the Ascended Masters when I need help or love or direction. I trust myself to receive the messages and take the steps. I have faith that I can do it, I will have all the help I need, and I will STOP second guessing these precious messages when they come.
We are going to be our own Super Heroes around here. I daresay that the absence of desperation, hopelessness, and sorrow (which isn’t abundant, but it does sneak through a crack on occasion) will start to create a magical space. And the best part is, it doesn’t matter I I’m right or I’m wrong. Love, Hope, and Faith are always a good option.
Create your Sunshine Life. Be your own Super Hero. If only for today. Look to no one else to create your magic for you. Believe in your divine ability to move mountains and change the world. ~what could it possibly hurt?
You know the saying “when god closes one door…he opens another”. I’d be happy if we could just leave one closed for awhile and take a breather. I feel like I’m in back to back marathons. I haven’t even been able to sort out top from bottom in order to post… so here goes.
My beloved gallery has sold to wonderful to new owners. It’s been a gradual process of letting go and sending love. I spent 7 years growing, planning, loving that little art gallery it seems like it’s embedded in my DNA. Letting go. It’s an art. Finding out your life plan isn’t unraveling in the way you thought it would is a bit of an adjustment. I say a daily prayer for it as part of my mindfulness exercises. I think it helps.
My neurosurgeon has cleared me for awhile anyway. No more surgeries, the leak is most likely sealed and I’m in high pressure rebound. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I’m still in a lot of pain and strange and mysterious symptoms, so it’s time to (open another door) find a D.O. – here I’d be happier to just CLOSE THE DOOR on the whole situation and have a miraculous healing miracle rather than starting fresh with a new specialty … yet here we are – . Apparently the time isn’t quite right for healing, and I need more practice in surrendering to the greater plan.(surrender is not exactly my strong point).
On a positive note… Unschooling is going beautifully. It seems as though we have all settled into a more relaxed pace. We are working together, listening to each other, and finding more time for peace and laughter in our day. What a blessing. I’m grateful each day. I think a major part of it is not having the morning school battle (with sensory issues – getting up early, putting on clothes, eating food in a hurry just causes more pain that it could ever be worth – then doing it all again at bedtime meant we spent hours each day in battles over hurrying to complete sensory activities). The kids are eager for learning time and reading books. For me, it feels like a daily victory. Complete and utter gratitude. I feel like the Divine really has my back on this one, and I’m reassured it’s the best direction for us, at least right now.
And then we come to methylation. Attention: for those mom’s of challenged, special, high needs kiddos THIS IS FOR YOU! We had a genetic test done from 23andMe.com several months ago but never really finished the analysis. After some recent flare ups for both kiddos it caused me to dig into the wild and overwhelming world of methylation and detox genetic pathways.
Let me give you a little visual example of my light reading: Now DON’T Freak out. 🙂 (learn more about methylation here)
I have to read it several times to fully assimilate all of the information (strange I know) It’s a lot. it’s a whole new vocabulary. But you know what else it is? Ladies and gentlemen, this is HOPE wrapped up in a confusing little package. This is healing. This is what it looks like for the mothers that have healed their children from ADD, Autism, and host of other nasty little words. And you may have heard that these are “incurable ” conditions. But I don’t buy it. If there are mothers out there who’s non-verbal children start to speak (after only two months of protocol), and there are people that spontaneously heal from terminal cancer – then I tell you what, it CAN be done. There is an answer for all of us. It’s just how deep down the rabbit hole we are willing to dig.
As I’ve always been described as… tenacious.. I’d go to the core of the earth, digging with only my fingernails to find a healing solution. Hmm, maybe I need to pray about that more, release and trust and let that go.
Is anyone out there here with me? I’m reading books and studies and starting to grasp, but I’d really love to geek out about it with someone else… We are on a modified version of the FODMAP protocol (we can’t have nightshades or dairy, in addition to the rest of the program) currently, and it has helped some, but we can’t eat ANYTHING so the kids have actually requested the GAPS diet in an effort to regain some of our diet. Do you know about the GAPS diet?? Can you imagine a child requesting nothing but chicken broth and chicken soup round the clock?
How their little tummies hurt daily. It’s enough to drive a momma completely insane. And with that, the door to the full GAPS protocol has been cracked. Do I have it in me to step through the door into the next adventure?
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Create your sunshine Life, just keep stepping through those doors as they open and surrender to the Divine plan, regardless if the road doesn’t take you where you thought you were headed. Maybe the destination is worth the trip.
Sooooooo, I’m nearly at the 11 month mark since the car accident. 11 months. I’ve spent the 36th year of my life on bedrest, and in hospitals, and in indescribable pain. Wow, what a journey.
I’ve learned some valuable lessons, OK that’s the understatement of the century. Each day is hard. It’s hard to wake up with a planet splitting headache and nausea, and god help me, please not the spins. But it’s a daily reminder to Dig Deep. Deeper. Find the strength. It’s there.
The thing about chronic illness (a word I despise) or pain or whatever terminology you choose… is that there is NO SPACE for self pity. None. Every morning there is a choice, it’s called “deal with it” or “cry” and so help me, when the crying starts….it’s hard to stop.
And there are some things that I think you can only learn when you’re digging deep. Because you (from a favorite Jerry Maguire quote) “Are Incapable of Dealing with Bullshit”.
Some of my most treasured lessons from my 36th year:
1. Whatever you think you absolutely “HAVE TO DO” you “cannot miss” they “cannot do it without you” – you’re wrong. You don’t. You can. They can. Truth. (Ahem mother’s out there, slow down and read it again). The world WILL keep spinning without you. Life will go on. There is absolutely NOTHING that cannot wait. Imagine if you will all those things that are deal breakers, that you must do for the world to keep spinning – then getting in a car accident and being stuck in bed for oh… nearly a year. Guess what? Everyone lived through it.
2. Slow Down. Like a snails pace, then slow down some more. I’m built with one speed, Fast. Multi-tasker extraordinaire. Over achiever. Always racing to the finish line. Drive fast. Cook fast. Clean fast. Shop Fast. It might be genetic.. because I’m SLOW compared to my mom! I’ve been rushing through everything and never knew it. Nothing slows you down like bedrest. It’s like a freakin anchor. So now I walk slowly with my 5 year old and we look at leaves and cracks in the sidewalk and bugs, without the nagging sense of hurry. When I shop, I move slowly and enjoy the experience. When my kids talk – I stop multi tasking and I Listen. I really listen to who they are and what they think. I don’t know that I ever really did that before. Not really, with the slowness it deserves.
3. Don’t judge. Anyone. Ever. For anything. It’s not your place. You have NO idea what they are going through. I have a whole post I can dedicate to this. But for now, trust me. When you leave your house, or get a phone call, or see something and you think “wow” and that little voice starts to judge. Just slap it. Send love to the person, double time, and a little to yourself as well.
4. Make time to meditate, pray, and journal. If you don’t have time, like really seriously don’t have time, then you need it most. Make it a priority as if it’s your life on the line (because it is). I believed in the power of prayer and the goodness of meditation and even thought it was a good idea to journal. But I never actually consistently DID IT. I never made time, I just thought about it and thought that was enough. IT’S NOT. Make 15 minutes a day for morning prayer, meditation, reflection and at least 10 minutes at bedtime. Conscious time, not lying in bed as you fall asleep. It will change your life. I promise. Feeling short of patience? Irritable? Pain? Anxiety? Isn’t it worth 20 minutes a day to try, rather than calling your doc for a prescription? Or worse, just living with it?
5. Be the Light. Find the Magic. Whatever you are going through, there is always someone going through more, dealing with “worse”. When you are teetering on self pity, just remember to be the light instead. Your light may shine for someone else who needs it, and that itself may give you the power to be strong. By being the light, you also start to find the magic. And it will pop up in unexpected places if you are moving slow enough to see it. The world is filled with love and hope and magic, but most of us are too busy rushing off to Target or judging what someone else is doing to notice. Stop reading the tragedies and gore on the news. Take a 21 day sabbatical. Fill your world with positive affirmations, love, peace and hope. Fill your Facebook feed with people who inspire you, HIDE those with the drama. And start looking, magic will pop up in the greatest places.
Create your Sunshine Life, without a year of bedrest. Slow Down. Be the Light. It’s the biggest reward you may ever give yourself. xoxo
I just finished the most delicious new book. Outrageous Openness, by Tosha Silver. You must stop everything and pick it up. Audible or Reader version, either will work for this book, so download it, stop at a bookstore, whatever you must do.
I attended the recent Hay House event “I Can Do It, Austin” and after many of the speakers referenced the book and the author, I just had to put it to the top of my reading list.
Every page is like warm water running over me, soothing my soul. It’s an interesting blend of LOA, Religion, Angels, Faith, and God. Mostly, I embrace the Openness and wild, unending, blind faith. I love the quote above and whisper it to myself daily when my heart starts racing, worrying, stressing, or trying to figure out the answer to every question that could be asked. I have over-thought everything for years. I’m a statistics girl, an analyzer of all potential outcomes, a weigher of pros and cons. I vaguely remember a “me” that was wild and open and free. A girl that took roadtrips in the middle of the night, and moved to new cities without concern. I applied to jobs confidently that I had no experience for, and I met new people of all thoughts and beliefs and enjoyed debate without concern of what someone thought of my opinion.
At some point, I started worrying more about making the right decision, than enjoying making the wrong ones. I stopped trusting the universe to provide Divine guidance and blessings and started trying to micro-manage my life. To force decisions. To out-think everything.
Maybe all I needed was to remember to let go. Let the Bohemian Gypsy girl inside of me romp and play and trust that there are miracles all around me at all times. That I am always protected. That everything will work out for the absolute best, and I don’t have to try to make it. I just need to breathe. And Love. And trust.
Create your Sunshine Life. Be outrageously open. Trust the Universe. Romp wildly. Laugh loudly. Dance in the streets, and know it will all be ok. There are miracles all around.
Ahhhh, I’m finally back at the keyboard. Long trip. I try to not write until I can say something positive… like the childhood phrase “if you can’t say something nice, don’t…” it’s like it imprinted!
So. I was having a hard time digging deep. Stopped somewhere along the road at a pitstop called Feeling Sorry For Myself. Then I talked to a friend with a similar condition. Only worse. We were both taken from our families for procedures. We were both alone and afraid and in pain. But she endured a procedure that I think it would be unfair to even begin to find words to describe. I mean, like 1000 times worse than what I went through. And you know what? she was so Strong and So Brave, she was checking in on me.
And that is just enough to pull my sorry butt out of the garbage and get back to dreaming. ~thank you~
When nothing goes the way you think, or hope, or pray that it will. When you manifest and journal, and eat right, and meditate, and you still don’t get your way what do you do? Do you throw in the towel? Get Angry? Feel Sorry for yourself? Check out? or Do you put on your big girl pants and get back in the fight? Find your faith. Locate a tiny spark of hope hidden deep, deep, down in the dark. Ask yourself what kind of life do you want to live? What kind of person do you want to be?
I have a friend that has been in a wheelchair for 7 years. SEVEN years. Young girl. Freak accident. And you know what, she’s not bitter. She’s breaking new territory learning to walk again! My friend got a shunt this week, endured hours upon hours of torture, testing, surgery, only to find out that it’s not working. Back to square one. And she’s holding me up. Geez.
So when you step back and put it like that. I guess it’s time to peel off the yuck. Scrub the self pity from my pores. Stand up and fight another fight.
Doesn’t that just feel much nicer? It’s like a sigh for your soul. Yes thank you. I’d rather dream my improbable dreams laying down, than stand up and get lost in the rat race and forget the hope. Maybe this is MY reset button. Maybe great things are coming. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll look back on this experience and smile at the memory of someone I met or something I learned along the way.
In the meanwhile, I’m back to bed. Spending time on my Pinterest dream boards. Deciding exactly how big and how Improbable I should dream. It’s more fun that way.
Create your Sunshine Life. Let yourself dream the improbable, a treasure, something you love. Go ahead. It’s ok, let loose.
It’s been awhile… Today I drive to Houston (in the hatchback so I can lay flat) so tomorrow I can fly to Durham, NC. Friday will be my much anticipated visit with Dr. Grey at Duke Medical Center.
This is my affirmation for the trip. Traveling alone. Trusting in the helpfulness of strangers along the way. Putting complete faith in the universe to get me there and get me healed. When I get scared, or feel alone, this is my mantra:
It’s funny, when you can’t really stand up or move your body, exercise, or think clearly for 9 months – something shifts. A deep shift, way down in the marrow of your being. I’ve always prided myself on being fast moving and quick witted. I was the fastest, most efficient, waitress, college student, marketing exec, and mother. In fast, I was so quick and so efficient getting to the next step that I never in my life slowed down to really BE where I am right now.
Well I got hit by the freight train of all Universal Freight Trains. How about a condition to slow you down, mentally and physically? These are just some of the important lessons in gratitude I’ve learned. In preparation for healing, I have been putting together a list of the things that a CSF leak has made me grateful for that I never knew I was. This is my gratitude and farewell love note to my spinal fluid leak….
1. I love the feeling of warm water on my hands as I wash them. It’s really a lovely experience. Slowing down to appreciate the sensory experiences of my day. Particularly those that are most subtle. The soft slipperiness of soap on my hands, the gentle aroma of soap.
2. I cherish the feeling of a clean body after I get out of the shower. When every vertical moment counts, the option of taking a shower is weighed equally against sitting up while eating, hugging my kids, going to the bathroom (kind of an important one) and the amount of pain I’m willing to experience. That said. I don’t shower a lot. It just doesn’t rank high in the cost/benefit ratio. But when I do – OH – clean hair. Clean skin. The feeling of gentle detox after my skin has a good salt scrub. Heaven.
3. Having the physical ability to snuggle, read, and tuck my kids in. I won’t lie. Before this, the end of the day was rushed. Hurried. As everything else in life. My overall emotion (though not expressed) was “hurry up and go to sleep already I have a long list of things to do yet”. Now, I weigh if I’m physically capable of walking down the hall to their room, sitting slightly propped up reading and snuggling. And the days that I get there – are truly beautiful, precious, and cherished by all of us.
4. Clarity of mind. I can’t remember when I last slowed down, meditated, quieted my mind, and reveled in the silence. Moving slowly. Removing the clutter of thought. Taking time to just be still and quiet. Feel the gentle breeze on my face, listen to the birds, and reward myself a few precious minutes away from the eternal “to do list”.
5. Listening. It’s amazing how much more you hear, see, and feel from others when you slow down and listen. Subtle shifts in energy, love, the needs of those around us. It’s like a whole world, the energy between people. But you have to stop. Slow down. Take a breath. Take another. Close your eyes. And listen. (much easier when there isn’t a lot of activity up there!)
6. Caring more about taking care of myself and less about what people think. Challenge. How much does what other people think affect your day? Be honest. Now, could you pull out a yoga mat and lay for 20 minutes at the park? on a crowded sidewalk? What about an airport? Could you strike up a conversation with a stranger and two sentences in say “excuse me, I need to lay down while we finish this conversation?” and lay down. Right there. Wherever you are. Without a yoga mat. Because you simply must. It’s confronting – but extremely freeing as well. Getting over what people think so you can get on with what you need to do in your life, is an incredible super power. Try it. Especially someplace random and public where you’ll never see the people again. I dare you.
Create your Sunshine Life. I’m grateful for the rich experiences that have given me new perspective. I encourage you to try slowing down for 1 whole day. Wash your hands mindfully, read a book, lay on your back in a public place and look at the clouds. This is the good stuff. And it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that we think is important. Besides, it’s MUCH easier to just learn the lessons yourself than receive the Master Lesson from the Universe in a rather unpleasant way. I’m all for one-upping the Creator!
It’s going to be a long trip, but what else do we have to do?
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I can’t WAIT to write this morning and share good news with you all!!! Miracles folks, they do happen every day. Hold the hope. Keep the vision!
Did I tell you I finally got an appointment with Duke University? Well, I’m pretty excited about it. But that’s not even the best part. When I scheduled my appointment they suggested I look into a FB group for CSF leakers. Now, I’m not so into groups and committees. I was resistant, because I’m really not into being part of a group that sits around and just talks about how bad everything is, and my state of mind is delicate. I need hope, good news. BUT I have so many unanswered questions about my condition and I have felt so ALONE in it all. Wondering, is this normal? Am I crazy? Does everyone have these symptoms? It’s one thing to have these feelings for a week or two, it’s another to have them for months.
Be still my heart. This group of lovely people is SO my Tribe. Who knew? Beautiful, beautiful people, helping each other navigate the crazy, misunderstood, wild ride that has to do with spinal fluid pressure. It’s hilarious. And lovely. Tips and tricks and nutrition advice and pain management, and … understanding. Speaking with someone that understands completely what you are going through. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. And Joy. And Hope. This is the most supportive, loving, positive, and hopeful group.
It’s amazing how much it eases my soul, my anxiety levels, to hear other people experience what I do. That I’m not alone. I didn’t realize how much I needed them until I found them. And just like that, I feel Unstoppable. I have new determination. New friends. New goals.
Maybe it’s healing to know, that if we cannot control our health, our bodies, our minds, we can at least help others. We can lend a hand, a kind word and work together, and THAT gives us a sense of purpose.
My life has been rearranged and scrambled, somewhat like a rubix cube. I have been struggling for months to put it back together, perhaps I should just enjoy the new configuration and learn what it has to offer. Maybe the point isn’t to go back to once was, but to create something completely new. Scary. Like jumping out of a plane. (which I did only once). Look at that young face, trying to be brave.
It was a tiny, rickety, old and scary plane flown by a couple of young adrenaline junkies. I had to crawl out onto the wing mid air and let go. Did you hear me? I had to crawl out of the door of a plane (while high in the air) and move my hands and feet along the wing until I got out to the end, and then let go. Imagine that a moment.
Letting go was the hard part. I remember sitting there for what seemed like hours, telling my brain, to tell my arm, to tell my hand, to tell my fingers, to just let go. But they would not. If my younger brother (himself an adrenaline junky) hadn’t been in the plane with me I would have certainly backed out, but pride wouldn’t allow it, so at last I jumped. And look at that face. Elation.
This feels kinda like that. Telling my brain, to tell my heart, to trust and let go. Who knows where I’ll land?
Create your Sunshine Life, wherever you are with whatever life gives you. If you are alone, find your Tribe. There is magic out there, I promise. You just have to find it.
Facebook. It isn’t exactly ground breaking Free Information. But WAIT. You may be missing opportunities with this social gem.
Yes, Facebook is great to spy on your high school class, college sweetheart, and a great way to kill a few hours. It has completely replaced Entertainment Tonight for the best gossip around.
BUT it is also a an amazing free resource.
Do you make it a point to Find and Like people that interest you? Challenge you? Teach you? Next time you read a book you enjoy or want to learn more about a new topic, Search it out on Facebook. It’s quite wonderful to fill your newsfeed with some educational or inspirational resource amongst all of the political banter and baby pictures. You’re on there anyway, might as well slip in some useful, positive, and interesting information.
A few of my favorites to get you started:
And don’t forget to look for more. Get crazy. Add a little wonder to your daily routine without effort.
Create your Sunshine Life all around you.
The late, the great. He chokes me up. There is a reason Steve Jobs is SO great, and it has almost nothing to do with i-anything. He was a thinker, a doer, a rule breaker. I challenge you to watch this TED talk without growing just a little.
“Avoid the Trap of Thinking you have Something to Lose”
I love that he did what he loved, lost it all, started from scratch and came back to kick A$$. I love that unstoppable spirit. Even though he’s gone, we can gleam a little of the magnificence of Steve Jobs by watching his speech. Let it move you.
Ready to watch it already? CLICK HERE.
“The only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. Don’t settle.”
Yes, I mean you.
Create your Sunshine Life, Today.